starting over new.

I'm starting over with my blog. 

This is a new thing for me. I had a blog, but it slowly became filled with all sorts of nonsense. I didn't write on it for the longest time and when I came back to start again, there wasn't any good way to jump back into it. 

I'm starting over spiritually. 

I had an experience tonight. I couldn't sleep and stayed up writing poetry, reading the blog of a new friend who has had her faith tested this year, and watching Mormon Messages. For the first time in a long time I felt a stirring in my heart. I felt as though God loved me for the first time in a few months. This semester, I've been struggling with faith and have just been going through the motions as a Latter-Day Saint. My heart hasn't been in it. Tonight, I felt God's love. I felt like an excited child seeing their Father when he comes home from work. He picked up my spirit and lifted me to his shoulder. He dried my tears and let me know that it's going to be alright. My insecurities are unfounded and I just need to trust him that I have so much potential. I felt the love I needed to feel and know that I can be forgiven for my shortcomings.

My mom posted the following quote from President Thomas S. Monson in the middle of this night of enlightenment:

"When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given."

I know that I have had difficulty remembering my blessings, but tonight was one of those nights of reflection on the real blessings I have in my life. I have the most wonderful parents on Earth. My dad did everything he could so my mom could stay home to raise us kids and I am so grateful for that. My mom has always been there for me pushing me in the right direction even when I didn't want to do the right things. I'm thankful for siblings and friends that have uplifted me and been examples. I am thankful for nature and all it's boundless beauty. I am thankful for Christ and his perfect love for us, his sacrifice for us.

I'm far from perfect, but I am trying. I'm trying to believe and have faith. That's the first step. I need to feed my desire to have faith and one day it will grow to be true faith. I think that I am going to have more direction and things are going to be better from here on out. I'm walking a long and lonesome road, but I don't have to be alone.