me: imagination, thoughts, ideas, and seizing the day

DISCLAIMER: These are today's thoughts put in a blender at the bottom of my fingers where they touch the keyboard that is powered by my mind.

A woman's voice appears over the PA system along the banks of the Rivers of America. 

"Welcome to Fantasmic! Tonight, our friend and host Mickey Mouse uses his vivid imagination to create magical imagery for all to enjoy. Nothing is more wonderful than the imagination. For, in a moment, you can experience a beautiful fantasy. Or, an exciting adventure! But beware -- nothing is more powerful than the imagination. For it can also expand your greatest fears into an overwhelming nightmare. Are the powers of Mickey's incredible imagination strong enough, and bright enough, to withstand the evil forces that invade Mickey's dreams? You are about to find out. For we now invite you to join Mickey, and experience Fantasmic -- a journey beyond your wildest imagination..."

Soon, a soft note starts, followed by chimes and other instruments building a beautiful chord. Then, BAM! A light appears on the island across the river and a chorus sings, "Imagination!" Other lights and notes start as the chorus sings, "Dream a fantastic dream. Use your imagination." That is followed by a trumpet fanfare and other instruments that help inspire this symphony. When the singing is done, Micky Mouse appears and starts to show what the imagination can do. The audience is shown different scenes from Disney movie and many beautiful things that the imagination can do. 

*spoiler alert*

Then the evil witch appears. She characterizes the bad of the imagination, the doubt, the regret, and everything else that we blow out of proportion in our minds until we drive ourselves crazy. She soon becomes a dragon that Mickey fights and eventually vanquishes. 

I had seen the show in the past and just enjoyed it for the musical and lighting spectacular that it is. I had never looked into the deeper meaning of any bit of the show. It may have been the fact that I was too young to care the first couple times I saw it and all I really cared about was the fire on the water (featured in the above picture), but over this Christmas, I saw something more in the show. Something that I needed and that I'm sure God needed me to see. 

I blow situations out of proportion in my mind all the time. I let my doubts determine my actions too often. It keeps me from seizing the day, because I am afraid that I will ruin what I have in life. I keep myself from taking risks and letting my dreams and good imaginings have place. I've been working on it. 

The musical [title of show] has a song called "Die Vampire, Die".  It says that we all have ideas that we want to share, but we keep our ideas hidden because of the vampires that bite us and take the life and disposition from us. These vampires are the bad parts of our imagination working against us. It defines vampires as "any person or thought or feeling that stands between you and your creative self expression." The song then defines 3 types of vampires: 

Pigmy Vampires - The type that tells you that you are inadequate because of you situation and that other did it before you and better than you. They are the little thoughts of comparison that plague us. 

Air Freshner Vampires - are the vampires that censor our ideas and make sure that we have something stable, but that doesn't challenge anything. It keeps us from trying new and innovative things. 

The Vampire of Despair - is the vampire that will you keep you awake until 4 a.m. with thoughts such as, "Who do you think you're kidding?", "You look like a fool.",  "No matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enough."  It's the bad stuff that we tell ourselves. It's how we put ourselves down and discredit ourselves before we begin. 

But as my mom, my friend Megan, my church leaders and many others have said, I don't need to listen to these voices. Does it matter what anyone thinks? I'm the person who has to live with myself if I don't follow my dreams. I am the one who will be the the shell to regrets of days that go unseized. I have today. I was told that I would be the future and that future is my today. What am I doing with it and  am I going to do those things with my life that I feel I need to get done?

I've been reading the Power of Starting Something Stupid by Norton. The book outlines many great things to help inspire one to go after dreams. Many sentences stood out to me today. 

"I refuse to achieve 'success' at the expense of my life." (p.36)

"Make it your personal responsibility to make ideas happen." (p. 44)

"You can't let fear and indecision sink your creativity -- they do not easily release their hold." (p. 53)

"FUTURE REGRET = TODAY'S IMPERATIVE" (p. 54)

"...the concept that you're actually allowed to do the things that you're inherently passionate about is a new kind of thinking altogether. You've got to be patient with yourself as you adjust to this new paradigm." (p. 57)

"Stupid ideas have the power to change lives. Why not let one change yours?" (p. 61)

"You are as ready today as you're ever going to be, and with that understanding comes an empowering choice: You can overcome your circumstances or you can let your circumstances overcome you." (p. 65)

"You are the now, and your 'future' is today." (p.67)

"Authentic experience is gained not by simply strapping yourself in and doing the time, but through constantly (and sincerely) seeking learning and improvement along the road to success." (p. 70)

The imagination of Micky Mouse has inspired me to follow the echoed chorus in the musical Newsies to "open the gates and seize the day." To not be "afraid" and to not "delay".  Robin Williams taught me in Dead Poets' Society the doctrine of "CARPE DIEM", which is basically to seize the day. I cannot let my imagination of perceived undesirable outcomes influence my desire to pursue my dreams. Like Henry David Thoreau said, " When it's time to die, let us not discover that we have never lived." 

As we learn in the Book of Mormon, we shouldn't "procrastinate the day of our repentance until the end." (Alma 34:33). I take that and apply it to acting on the thoughts, ideas and impressions that come to us. If we live our lives squandering our talents and hiding them from the world, we haven't let our "light so shine before men, that they may see (our) good works and glorify (our) father which is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16). We are also told that "...he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward. Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness." (D&C 58:26-27)

I want to follow those things that it seems that God deems to be as profitable pursuits in my life. I want to follow those prompting, thoughts and ideas that he gives me as I go forward improving my talents and chasing the stars. 

This blog post goes everywhere. I know that I can pursue anything and achieve anything if I have God on my side and if I don't wait until tomorrow to start. I don't need money, experience, etc. I just need to start now. That's how I will get money and experience. If I don't start now, when will I. 

Don't wait! Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "How much of human life is lost in waiting!" Kurt Vonnegut once said, "Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, 'It might have been.'" Don't be stuck with regrets when you grown old. Resolve to be better today. Keep your resolutions and remember:

FUTURE REGRETS = TODAY'S IMPERATIVE  

Christmas BREAK

This has been quite a Christmas. I had a lot of things put into perspective for me. 

As finals ended and my break started, I was wrapped up in my own issues and worried only about me. I wasn't really getting into the Christmas spirit and didn't even have much of a charitable attitude. I did some nice things, but then I convinced myself that what i was doing was stupid. I told myself that no one cared. I kept putting myself down even though I should have been happy with my performance on finals and the friendships I had started this semester.

Then the break started breaking. 

Broken hearts. 

With in the first couple days of Christmas Break, one of my old friends from high school lost his grandparents in a car wreck. They were headed from Orangeville to Manti to do temple work. 

A few days later, my sister had a friend whose dad passed away unexpectedly. 

Break in.

Tuesday before my family headed to Disneyland, we got news that our extra home in St. George was broken into. We're showing the home to sell it and the real estate agent informed us of the break in. My parents sent me down early to assess the damage and file a police report before they got there to take a pit stop on our way to California. 

Walking in to a dark house that has been broken into is creepy. You wonder if someone could still be there because the door has been kicked in. All the drawers and cupboards are left open with random items strewn everywhere. Things that you are used to seeing are missing, you are left puzzling why someone would do that. Luckily, they only made off with the TV and didn't do too much damage. 

We go everything taken care of before we left for Disneyland. We even installed a drop camera that would sent images and sound to a smart phone if someone broke in again. 

Broke down.

Our first day at Disneyland, we got a notification as we were leaving the park to go find a bite to eat that there was movement in our house in St. George. We pulled up the drop camera and heard sounds as if someone was bumping around in the darkened house. We called my cousin and the cops to have them go check on the house. 

As my cousin watched the cops check the house, our across the street neighbor came out of his house to inform my cousin that he had backed into the little green Yaris parked in front of the house. The car I drive. 

When my cousin told my dad, my dad said that it sounded like my cousin was nervous to tell us about the car. My mom just started laughing. She broke. She and dad didn't go back to Disneyland with us that night and were dead asleep when we got back to the Hotel. That never happens. I have never come home to my mom asleep when I've still been out, but she needed the sleep that night so we didn't wake her up. 

We cut some of our California plans short so that we could take care of the car before Christmas Eve. We got back to St. George on the 23rd and left the car at a body shop. The repairs are going to cost the guy's insurance around $1800.

Broken tire. 

After everything, we got home and my mom's principal car had a flat tire from a nail puncture. Of everything, that was the easiest to fix. It was just another thing heaped on our plate. The Monday Surprise that the lunch lady of life decided to dish us.  

And I gained perspective.

I realized that I really don't have it bad. I remembered people from Brazil that had less than I did and who went through more trials without questioning "why?" I looked at my circle of friends and their examples of faith in the trials that they face. I looked at what I went through during the week, but how happy I was because I was with my family doing something fun. Even though all this crap was hitting the fan, we were together and that's what mattered. My spirits brightened. My imagination was renewed. I felt like new, and I'm glad that I got over myself. God wanted me to listen, so he made sure I could see his voice. I have been humbled. 

And really, the things that broke during the break were of no eternal consequence other than the fact that they opened my mind and helped me see things a little cleared and more eternally. Thank the heavens for that. 

Here are some pictures of the fun: 

The long car ride

Getting ready for Disney

Walker can't make a normal face

Neither can I...

Nor dad...

Etch-a-sketch. Too much technology

No words.

I don't have much to complain about. I'm far to blessed. I need to do as the old song says and "count my blessings instead of sheep." (I hate sheep, but that's another story)

me: The Power of Starting Something Stupid.

 

It's Christmas and I got a new book, The Power of Starting Something Stupid by Richie Norton. I started to read it and got through the first chapter.

 

My mom knows me. I am getting close to my college graduation (I should be done by December 2014 or May 2015) and I'm starting to look forward to the next step I want to take. There are days where I let all the voices of mentors and people around me tell me that I want to go to grad school, but I don't really feel like I want to go to school for much longer. I might get my MBA from SUU because it would only take an extra year, but I even hate to think about being in school for that much longer. What I really want to do is leave school in December and start working for a small press comic publisher doing marketing and advertising as I work on writing my own graphic memoir and poetry.

 

But people tell me that's stupid.

 

That's why I'm glad for this new book. I need the "power to start something stupid". Not many people are supportive when you tell them that you want to be a cartoonist or that your dream is to work in comics. If you have passion for it, they will humor you and maybe encourage a bit, but it always seems they are biting their tongue to keep from telling you what they really feel, that they thing you're crazy, and that your idea is stupid.

 

IT IS.

 

There are so many people who want to make it in comics and movie. The market is oversaturated with cartoonists, animators, and writers. SO WHAT?! People hunger and thirst for stories and information. There is always a market for books. Even if people don't read them, they buy them.

 

Also, I am going to enter the industry from the side. I'll network and help others. Then, when I finish my graphic novel and poems, I will have the means and friends to be able to get them edited and published. In the meantime, I'll be helping people who will be able to give me tips and advice on creating and getting published as I give them advice on how to manage their social media profile and market their works.

 

So, I'm starting this book that will help me to get rid of the voices, critics, editors, mentors, etc in my head that tell me to turn back and do something smart. The dreamer, creator, poet, and cartoonist in my head is going to have free reign to do all the stupid stuff it wants to do. I'm going to go for my dreams. My mom told me the other day (for the first time since I was little), "I don't want you to limit yourself...dream big."

 

The first piece of advice from the book is:

 

 

I'm going for it. A new step it starting soon in my life. I'm going to start applying for jobs with publishers and comics. If I need to, I'll teach myself programing and coding to help artists and writers with webpages, blogs and social media profiles. If I don't get hired with a publisher out of the gate, I will independently manage social media profiles and websites as a sort of agent. I'll make it work to work in the work that I want to work. I will have a job in comics. That's what I want.

 

I'm also going to start a comic project and finish it. That is the biggest piece of advice that Craig Thompson gives to those who want to write or draw comics. Look at what he's started and finished (Blankets, Habibi, Goodbye Chunky Rice, etc). He lives to start, and I would say that consequently he lives as he gets done with a work and can look back at all he's learned.

 

I feel like this is going to be an uplifting week as I read this book, so watch for more blog posts.

 

 

 

 

escape: comic signing

 

 

The week before finals it was way too cold and I needed to escape Cedar (a feeling that is reoccurring with too much frequency. I am getting anxious to start some new things in my life aka senioritis is setting in).

 

I got in the car with my best friend Alisha Fabbi and headed toward Vegas (her boyfriend was studying too hard to hardly notice).

 

 

We went to Maximum Comics in Henderson to a Christmas Party/ comic signing. It was Daniel Freedman and Sina Grace. Sina Grace is one of my favorite artists and he draws my favorite comic Li'l Depressed Boy.

 

 

He signed all my volumes of Li'l Depressed Boy and did a piece of original work for me with Li'l Depressed Boy standing below the Giving Tree. As he signed and drew in each of my comics/worked on the piece of art for me, we talked about college and what I was studying. I had talked to him on facebook, twitter, and instagram a few days before going down to tell him that I was going to make the trip from Utah to take a break from studying for finals. When I got there, he recognized me and remembered my name (and its consequent spelling). I told him that I wanted to work marketing and advertising in comics. He and Daniel were both excited about that and told me that when I graduate they want me to help them manage their social media to get more press for their comics. I thought they were joking at first, but the more they talked about it, the more they sounded completely serious. When I got back in the car with Alisha, I fangirled for the whole ride home and then some.

  

 

Alisha was a great friend for going on the drive with me. She came along only as company and a friend. There was nothing for her in Vegas, but she came with me anyway. She is a wonderful friend. 

 

Also, things look like they will work out for me to have a job in comics somehow.  

Say Something

I just heard this song recently called Say Something by A Great Big World w/ Christina Aguilera. It is a good song and their album art/song inspired this sketching. 

I like the song. It's sad. It speaks to me. I really have no words right now. I'm just tired from finals and glad this week is almost over. Things look like they're looking up and I hope they do. I want life in this lane to keep going well. Cheers. 

me: healthy

If you see me coughing up a lung today, it isn't because I am sick. Yesterday, I decided I want to try to be more healthy and a part of that is adding cardio workouts to my routine (swimming, running, jazzercize). I've been doing other workouts, but nothing to get my lungs and heart moving. I've been stagnant and my little belly pouch shows it. 

I hate to run. I enjoyed it in high school, but being on the cross country team for 3 years took all the running out of me. It gets boring sometimes and others it just kills. I don't really know how to jazzercize, though I would really like to learn how. That leaves swimming. 

In the cross country off-season, I had a job working for a physical therapist that had a full-purpose gym in his office. When I would finish paper work for the evening, I was encouraged to use the equipment and interact with customers as they needed help lifting. I was in such great shape. 

I went on an LDS mission to Brazil and kept so much in shape there. I walked everywhere in the tropical sun on the banks of the Amazon (yes, I am bragging about where I spent two years for the Lord). I worked out in the morning and couldn't help but stay lean and in shape. 

I got home and had no routine. I became lax and by my first Christmas my mom commented on how I was getting chubby as I took a bite of her famous Christmas day cinnamon rolls. 

After Christmas, I "fell in love" and had a relationship with a girl I thought I loved. Everything seemed like it was going so well. I proposed to her and we got engaged to get married in August this year. I was working out to get in shape so I could look good for wedding pictures. My fiance left for the summer. I got put on a back burner where I felt emotionally neglected and forgotten. I was made to feel like I didn't have any say in my own wedding planning. I prayed about it and felt like we needed to push our wedding date back and was told that I was receiving inspiration from Satan. That was the last thing I wanted to hear after already feeling emotionally abused. I prayed again and felt like I needed to call off the wedding. 

So...I did. 

It wasn't easy. I put on a facade that everything was all right and that I was fine, but I fell a little. I stopped working out completely. When I would get home from work in the late afternoon, I would spend the evenings working, drawing, or watching Community on Netflix. I didn't want to make food for myself. Fast food became a way of life for me and I payed for it. I didn't save as much as I should have, and I let my body go until I didn't feel well. Ever. My body has ached almost every morning and walking up any stairs gets my breathing so heavy it could hold down a tarp in a Kansas windstorm. 

I realized this and have tried to get myself to do something about it, but I have a hard time getting myself to be early and never have the energy to wake up in the morning to go swim like I would like. Luckily, I have a wonderful roommate. 

Yesterday, Jordan and I decided that we needed to do something to get ourselves back into shape and that we would do it together. This morning we woke up at 6:47 (Jordan always sets his alarm to prime numbers) and went swimming. I was nice to be in the water. I felt free, I felt alive, I felt like I might die because I haven't done that for awhile, but I also felt the best I have in a long time. After a half hour of swimming, we were both pooped and decided that we would work our way up incrementally. We're going to swim on Tuesday and Thursdays. It's going to be a part of our routine. 

The best part wasn't even the swimming. The swimming made me feel wonderful, but it was singing "Circle of Life", "Jingle Bell Rock", and "My Girl" in the locker room with the old guys who swim in the morning and sing in the shower that really gave my day a fantastic start. The locker room has a great echo. 

me: a poet

Every summer the Utah Shakespeare Festival shakes it's fierce head and makes a loud roar over Cedar City. With the festival comes Cabaret in the Grind Coffeehouse on Thursday evenings at 11 pm. One Thursday evening in mid-October, I happened to go to the Cabaret. That night only two of the actors were performing: Cate Cozzens sang and Matt Zambrano reciting slam poetry.

poetry.

Never had I heard words that spoke more to me than in those poems. I left the Grind that night thirsting for more. The placement of every piece of those poetic puzzles penetrated my person. I searched slam poetry on YouTube, Netflix, Wikipedia, and everywhere else I thought I could find something that might feed my soul. I started to struggle with my own words, trying to find the right ways to say what I was feeling.

My friend Megan, who owns Main Street Books, started an open mic poetry night and asked me to come perform some of the stuff that I had been writing. The night of the open mic night approached and I got scheduled to work. I couldn't let that stop me. I needed to get on stage to read something that I had written. I wanted to prove to myself that I could write and that people would enjoy my words when I recited them. 

The night came and I took a drink/bathroom break to hurry the two blocks from my job to Main Street Books so I could read my poetry in front of an audience. I arrived, gasping, and asked Megan if I could be the first to read my poetry. She said of course and told her master of ceremonies that I needed to go first. I read two poems that night. The latter of the two was entitled Heart. I got the idea for the poem when my institute teacher commented that people used to believe that when a human heart is touched it stops beating. 

I reworked my Heart poem after that night. I refined it, polished it and submitted it to the Kolob Canyon Review. That was a week and a half ago. I have yet to hear back from them on if it was accepted, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. 

Poetry helps me. I feel more when I write poetry than when I use words in any other way. The other day, I had one of my most sincere prayers to God when I started to write a poem that I had titled Aba, Father. In the end, it turned into something so personal and true that I don't see myself sharing lightly. It touched me and I felt that Heavenly Father heard my prayer through the poem. 

I know that everyone has their talents, something they are good at and that touches them. For me, it's poetry in nearly any form (I even started listening to rap). I'm pretty sure God is going to start answering my prayers in poetry. 

So, I just want to share with you my poem that I have put the most time into the past couple months:

Heart

Humanity once believed

a human heart stops when touched.

Though, modern medicine teaches us otherwise,

it still feels like our heart stops.

People enter as surgeons  

to the operating room of our lives.

They care for us, cry with us,  

cut us open, touch our hearts,

and leave us on the surgery table

bleeding. Heart broken.

Our heart beats freeze.

For a moment we feel hopeless, unsedated.

We try to drown out the pain

by occupying our minds,

but when left to ponder on our situation

we cannot deny the fact that we need fixing.

Patient becomes surgeon

with scalpel and stitch,

we can fix ourselves.

Our circulation returns

waking us from the nightmare.

We are still alive

and can still make something

of emotional malpractice.

Touch doesn’t stop a heart.

It makes it beat stronger.

angels

Angels fascinate me.  They always have. I believe they exist and come in many forms around us to lift us and make us better. God can use us to be angels in people's lives and sends others to be our angels. A friend of mine retweeted the following picture of a poem by Lang Leav:

I've made some friends recently and have old friends that have really lifted me up and been angels to me. I have needed a lot I help recently and God has sent it through people around me who love me. He's been helping me to believe again. To hope and dream more deeply and to not doubt my potential. 

My light is weak, but it will get stronger. Here's to being better. 

starting over new.

I'm starting over with my blog. 

This is a new thing for me. I had a blog, but it slowly became filled with all sorts of nonsense. I didn't write on it for the longest time and when I came back to start again, there wasn't any good way to jump back into it. 

I'm starting over spiritually. 

I had an experience tonight. I couldn't sleep and stayed up writing poetry, reading the blog of a new friend who has had her faith tested this year, and watching Mormon Messages. For the first time in a long time I felt a stirring in my heart. I felt as though God loved me for the first time in a few months. This semester, I've been struggling with faith and have just been going through the motions as a Latter-Day Saint. My heart hasn't been in it. Tonight, I felt God's love. I felt like an excited child seeing their Father when he comes home from work. He picked up my spirit and lifted me to his shoulder. He dried my tears and let me know that it's going to be alright. My insecurities are unfounded and I just need to trust him that I have so much potential. I felt the love I needed to feel and know that I can be forgiven for my shortcomings.

My mom posted the following quote from President Thomas S. Monson in the middle of this night of enlightenment:

"When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given."

I know that I have had difficulty remembering my blessings, but tonight was one of those nights of reflection on the real blessings I have in my life. I have the most wonderful parents on Earth. My dad did everything he could so my mom could stay home to raise us kids and I am so grateful for that. My mom has always been there for me pushing me in the right direction even when I didn't want to do the right things. I'm thankful for siblings and friends that have uplifted me and been examples. I am thankful for nature and all it's boundless beauty. I am thankful for Christ and his perfect love for us, his sacrifice for us.

I'm far from perfect, but I am trying. I'm trying to believe and have faith. That's the first step. I need to feed my desire to have faith and one day it will grow to be true faith. I think that I am going to have more direction and things are going to be better from here on out. I'm walking a long and lonesome road, but I don't have to be alone.